Happenings.....

So, few things have been going on since I last wrote:

1.) I am taking a new role within my organization. It's a lateral move but puts me into a new department in the company and allows me to go through further training/career development. So it's a good move.

2.) I am signed up for training that will take 1 whole week a month for the next 5 months to complete. But once I get this training I will be really marketable.

3.) I cut the shit out of my foot yesterday and had to go get 4 stitches. Not a good day. Now I am on crutches because I can't put much weight on it right now.

4.) I decided to join Jenny Craig as a way to put some forced structure into my eating for now. Food tastes pretty good and I am happy with this for now. I am hoping what this will do is break a few bad habits I have fallen into over the last year. I am doing good so far.

5.) I have a super cute foster kitty in my house that is taking up a lot of time while I try to socialize him. His name is Monty. I did have 3 of his brothers and sisters, but they have moved on to a new foster family. Monty is coming along so I think that he will be adoptable.

I think that is all for major updates. Back to sitting on the couch and letting my foot heal. 10 days and the stitches can come out.

Alison

15 Hour Work Days

Work has become a bit crazy over the last few weeks and I have been working up to 15 hours and getting sometimes as little as 3 hours sleep. It leaves little time to get to the gym, think mindfully about what you are eating, and to make good food choices. I am frustrated that things are this crazy. I am frustrated that I haven't been able to really work on myself much lately. I like a fast paced day, but right now I just feel so overwhelmed and have been near tears a few times.

My boss read something to us on Monday from HR saying how important it is to sleep 8 hours a night. HA!!! I told him he needed to take like 8 projects off of my plate for that to happen. :o)

I know things will start to slow down. At least that is what I tell myself. It's Friday night now and I am not doing any work. I am watching Kitchen Nightmares, writing a blog and chillin' out. That is all I am worried about tonight. Just relaxing and hoping my brain shuts down for awhile.

Have a good one all!

Craziness Continues

Thank you Kris for reminding me that it's been forever since I posted. :o) Things have been beyond busy lately with work and travel. I have been working like crazy. Late evenings, early mornings. This all equals a lack of sleep and an increased chance for late night snacking. I have been doing pretty good though over the last few weeks. I continue to focus on the messages that are in Geneen Roth's book. I am starting to be more mindful of my hunger. I stop and think about whether I am hungry and if I am what I really want to eat. So last night I wasn't super hungry and had a bowl of cereal for dinner. Not the greatest, but it was satisfying. For lunch I had had a bunch of veggies and chicken. I didn't feel deprived at all.

The understanding of when I should start eating is easy to recognize. Hunger pains are hard to miss. I pretty much wait until I feel that and then I have something to eat. Super crazy idea!!! The hardest part for me is understanding when to stop. I think what Geneen says though is so true - if you are eating for reasons other than being hungry you will never feel satisfied and will not know when to stop eating. Since you are trying to fill another void that typically wouldn't be filled with food then there is no real stopping point. And it's so true. I do feel when I am hungry that I get to a point when eating that I feel done. I am working on stopping at that point.

I have to keep telling myself that if I am hungry again in a little bit that the food will still be there. I am not sure why I feel like if I don't eat it now then it will never be there again. I am surrounded by food. Where do I think it is going? It's a totally crazy idea. I have never been without food. Except for maybe a few weeks in my first job when I was making only $18,000 a year. But even then I had boxed of Mac and Cheese.

So, I don't know where the craziness comes from. But I want to be in control of my eating. And I am going to get there. I may never be a size 2 - but who wants that! But I can be in control and happy with my life. Maybe a size 10. :o)

Hi Kris!! Hope all is well.

The Way?

I wish there was a way for all of this change to happen without a lot of work. There are days that I just don't feel like figuring out why I want to eat when I am not hungry, trying to figure out when to stop eating because I am satisfied, trying to figure out why my voice is so mean and why I can't get it to stop. Why are we so hard on ourselves and treat ourselves so badly. It is just crazy to me that I can be so mean to myself. That I allow this stupid voice to tell me that I don't deserve to be happy and that I might as well eat because it's the only thing that is really there to comfort me. It doesn't make sense that I am so put together and in charge in other areas of my life. There is no doubt that with time and reflection that I can kick this food addiction and allow myself to be free of this constant battle. I love the comment in one of Geneen Roth's books that I am not on this earth to focus on losing the same 20 lbs over and over again. My life means more than that. I am here to live life to the fullest. And to do that I have to take care of myself in many different ways.

• Be kind to myself.
• Eat for proper nourishment so I can have the energy to live life to the fullest.
• Exercise to keep myself strong.
• Be good to others around me.

No where in there does it indicate that I have to live life focused on food, when I can get food and what I can get. Fulfillment does not come from a Twinkie!!! It comes from trusting other people, loving and being loved by others, and connecting with people. Not the slice of pizza on my plate.

These are the messages I have to remember every day. And I can do this!! And I deserve this!!

Geneen Roth Session #6

This is the last online session that happened back last summer. Since I am dusting off all my Geneen Roth materials I decided to finish the last session that I never got to.

Geneen has many practices that she outlines throughout her books and her session. She wants us to pick one practice at a time and work on that. Not to try to do this all at the same time. It's too overwhelming to make all the changes at once. But change isn't going to happen on its own- we have to work the practice one at a time. Master one and move to the next practice. Continue to work all the past practices. What are you willing to put into practice?

Notes -

1. We do not change ourselves by force, deprivation, guilt, fear, shame, or punishment. This results in a counter force that makes your rebound in some way at some time.
2. Force closes the heart.
3. Change happens from love to love.
4. When we practice being kind to ourselves and listening to ourselves it becomes impossible to binge. (what is going on, am i hungry, am i full, why do i want to binge) - be quiet with yourself and listen.
5. Take in the good in your life - what's positive, appreciate it, acknowledge (not necessarily huge things - small accomplishments are great too).
6. Do you feel safe at the weight you are at? Do you need to feel badly about yourself to feel safe? Do you identify yourself at a certain weight?
7. Who are you loyal to? What are you loyal to?
8. What do you need to do to feel loved? Is it maladaptive?
9. How do you realign? Be curious about it, inquire about it, sit with it, disengage from "the voice"
10. Brain likes familiarity. Outside of this creates dissonance, lack of safety feeling, pull to go back
11. Expect to be very uncomfortable getting outside of your comfort zone.
12. The more you turn to food when you are not hungry the more powerless you feel about taking action on your own behalf. You feel younger, more hopeless, more dependant.
13. Food is not teaching you to trust yourself, feel more powerful, not serving your best interest, not bringing you closer to yourself
14. It's good to have an inquiry partner that you can meet with regularly to talk. Follow the inquiry steps in the back of Women, Food and God.
15. Change your orientation or relationship to your experiences and redirect from food.
16. It's not about the experience itself it's how you react to it.
17. Meditation - don't feel like a failure if this is hard to do.
18. Meditation - time to be with yourself, know what is going on in your mind, getting to know your mind
19. Don't let your thoughts send you to a binge. They are just thoughts and shouldn't have that power. No matter how horrible or mean. All thoughts should be welcomed and questioned.
20. Thoughts are uncontrollable, what you can control is where you place your attention (relationship to them)
21. "When I get to the end of my life I want to a bride that was married to amazement."
22. Our life is not about the number on the scale or how good we did last week or our pants size. It's about knowing who we are. Use our relationship with food to know who we are.

Geneen Roth Session #5 Notes

This isn't a must read all for all. I am just using the blog as a place to take my notes from the Geneen Roth session that was held, just a short 8 months ago. I never finished listening to the sessions. Something about listening without seeing is hard to do. I don't know how they did it back in the day when a radio was all people had. YIKES!



"Relearning Loveliness"

1. Change needs to be taken slowly. It doesn't happen overnight. Make your choices and start to make small changes and build on that new habit.


2. How do you change a habit? By wanting to make a change.


3. Binge = bolting from yourself and avoiding discomfort


4. Become aware on a daily basis your goals.


5. Every binge = a lost opportunity to be with yourself and to break free from your pattern.


6. Question the beliefs that lead you to think that it is not OK for you to be happy.


7. Sometimes it is necessary to retreach a thing its loveliness. To put a hand on its brow on the flow and to retell it in words and in touch that it is lovely.


8. Question the belief that you are not lovely (i.e. always a failure, not loveable, not fixable)


9. This process is not an intellectual process.


10. When your mind stops you can reach your true being. Tap into essense.


11. Know your patterns and you will be able to divert more quickly. You don't have to keep rexploring it.

Some Updates

Hi all -

I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bit busy, super tired, and not really motivated. But wanted to touch base so I don't fall out of habit again.

1.) Just found out today that the kitty i fostered a few weeks back was adopted to a nice family. I am happy for her and happy for me that I didn't have to make a decision on whether to adopt her myself. :o)

2.) Heading to Arkansas tomorrow for a quick business trip. Should be OK on the food front. My only problem is that its hard to stay on schedule so I tend to find myself really hungry and then make bad decisions. So I am taking some snacks with me to have on hand.

3.) I have started reading Geneen Roth again and am working on her thoughts on not dieting and trying to focus on eating when I am hungry and eating what I am hungry for. Crazy thought! But I lost a few pounds this week and I even had some wine and ate lunch out with friends. I also had chocolate. YUM! So going to focus on this for a bit.

4.) Signed up for a retreat in California with Geneen Roth in October. Kinda expensive ,but it seems like a great 5 days. If I work on her thoughts between now and then I should have a lot of questions and should be able to get a lot out of it. I am really looking forward to it!!

5.) Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!! Hope you are all having a great day.

That's about it for now. Off to pack for a 6am flight in the morning.