Friday, October 28, 2011
The lumps of the 3 in 13 like my new found lumps and curves
Developed overnight it seems, a new me I must serve
What do I do with this chunky me?
How am I to know who I am supposed to be?
Mom says I'm too big to buy cute clothes
Dad pushes me away because how to deal? Who knows?
I look at my body outside and try to see
Who am I, look at this fat, who can love me?
I need someone who won't laugh, criticize or judge
So I turn to food as my one true love
I am much older now and food is still there
It has become my cross to bear
Food took over and its time to let it go
Little girl 13, you are wonderful you, that you must know
No more suffering, hatred or shame
Take on the challenge, you deserve to win the life game.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Thursday, October 20, 2011
So one of my lessons tonight is that I tend to binge when I am procrastinating. When I really don't want to do something and I am trying to find anything to keep me from having to start. So what I have to do now is really pay attention to that and find a different channel for that energy. Really what I need to do is just suck it up and do what I am putting off. Once I get started I am usually just fine. Its the stress I put on myself ahead of time.
Well, off to shower and to work. I will be leaving the office early today to head home for sleep or I will be binging for another reason.
Monday, October 17, 2011
I got back to the gym today also and worked out for about an hour. I had to laugh at myself on the elliptical. I was doing my warm up thinking it was really hard and that I must be a bit rusty after taking a week off. So I soldiered through for awhile and then went to raise the intensity level on the machine and realized that I started my workout about 5 levels higher than I normally do. DUH!!! No wonder it felt tough, it was tough!!!
I looked around locally for a mediation center. The only things I could find were local groups that meet up in different places. So not really what I was looking for. I am thinking that if I really want to meditate I need to do it on my own. I didn't think that this would be a practice that I would bring home with me, but I kinda miss the chilled out feeling that comes with it. It beats the stress of work and life.
No worries my dear friends, I am not going to be a hippie. Just looking for a way to de-stress a bit. :o)
Well, off to get some sleep. Lots to do tomorrow.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
First the location and the weather - awesome and awesome (at least the last 2 days of weather):
Asilomar is an older location that was originally built in 1918 for the YWCA. So some of the buildings are in the process of renovation and others kinda need it. The room I stayed in felt kinda like camp. But the bed was comfy so that is all that really matters to me. We were just a few minutes walk from the beach and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I spent a lot of time there reflecting and journaling. It was amazingly gorgeous. We were also right ext to Pebble Beach. No wonder it is so famous for the location!!
Second - the people:
There were about 400 people that went to the retreat. Way more than I thought would be there. But it was great meeting so many people with similar issues. I also had 2 great roommates that really helped make the trip that much better. We spent a lot of time together reflecting on the lessons and teachings of the day and worked through a lot of ways to make them applicable to our daily lives. It was nice having them there. Here is a picture of the 3 of us - me, Lisa and Amy.
Thirdly - what I learned: Where to begin on what I learned? I will be going in to this more in upcoming posts. Seems like so much to write in one post. I do have to say that I really learned a lot and know that I have a long, forever journey ahead of me. There is no end to my self discovery and my process to get to know and love myself. And that really is the biggest lesson - this isn't about weight loss, being thin, eating salads or never eating chocolate again. This is all about learning to love myself and treat myself with kindness. Through that love and kindness will come a new relationship with food where I treat it as my bodies nourishment and not as a source of love and fulfillment. WOW!! Easy to say, not so easy to do. As Geneen says - it all comes with practice, practice, practice. Every time you make the decision to treat yourself kindly and eat when you are hungry, stop when you are satisfied it makes it easier the next time to make the same decision. So over and over and over I have to make the best decisions for me. All in all, it was a great trip and I am very happy that I was able to go. It was the right time in my life to make it happen. I am forever changed.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
One of things we are supposed to do in preparation for the retreat is think about and reflect on our reasons for attending the retreat. I thought I would reflect and blog - kill 2 birds with one stone. :o)
I think my main reason for attending the seminar to to delve deeper into the message that Geneen Roth teaches in her books and online seminars. I love the idea of using our desire to overeat as a way to understand ourselves better. I really love the books that she has written and I think by going to the retreat I will have some time to be with other people working through their food issues and struggling to apply Geneen's teachings to their lives.
The interaction with the group is really going to be able to help me apply the different principles to my every day life. By being there and being completely immersed I hope that I can absorb the message even more.
I also have to admit that there is an element of being star struck with a person whose work I have read many times and who I have seen on Oprah. So there is a bit of that included in my reasons for going.
Also - the piece of me that wishes for a quick solution is pushing me as well. The part of my voice that says these 5 days will cure all the issues of the last 30+ years. Wouldn't that be great. Oh to dream. But I do know that isn't going to happen so no worries that I am going into this with the completely wrong goal.
My goal is to learn additional ways to apply the principals Geneen outlines in her books in a practical way in my life. And how to incorporate the ideas in a way that allows me to finally have freedom from my food addiction.
More to come when I get back.......