Monday, December 26, 2011
How strange it is. Just 17 days ago I had both of my Grandmas. Now all of my Grandparents have passed away.
So I will be heading up to Ohio this week for the funeral.
Hope everyone had a good Christmas!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
1.) Family Time - even though family gatherings are not tough for me I still think that they bring back the memories of the past. My eating habits started as a kid. I think that being back there makes it all come back to me.
2.) Bad, ingrained habits - for as long as I can remember I have come home from family events and have eaten like crazy.
3.) Off regular routine and schedule - I like a routine and having a long weekend really kind of throws me off.
4.) Lonely time - even though I kept really fairly busy this weekend, I didn't spend any quality time with anyone. I was home alone most of the weekend doing chores and didn't spend much time out.
As we know, Christmas is coming up really soon. What do I do to change that holiday vacation -
1.) Create a holiday schedule so I am on a routine - gym, dog walk, meals, meditation, etc.
2.) Deal with family issues with inquiry and reflections.
3.) Spend time on the phone, in person, email with friends. Make the connections I need to stay in touch with people.
All of this will begin to create new habits for me. I am looking forward to putting these new ideas into practice.
Hope you all had a great holiday.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I have been so incredibly busy at work and with the Humane Society that I haven't had a chance to write. I have been thinking about it though. That counts right?
Here are how things have been going with my practice:
1.) Eat when hungry. (Doing pretty good with this one. I still have my moments, but for the most part I am just eating after a few hunger pains.)
2.) Eat sitting down in a calm environment, not in car. (I think for the most part things are calm. I don't eat in the car unless absolutely necessary.)
3.) Eat without distractions. (well you saw my last post. This one is pretty tough. I like watching TV and having dinner. So I have to work on that)
4.) Eat what your body wants. (I have been doing OK with this one. Sometimes my head takes over and I want cupcakes, but for the most part I have been eating protein, veggies and some fiber)
5.) Eat until your satisfied. (I think this is tied to #3. When I am not distracted I know I eat less. I am not however eating like crazy with no stopping. Even tough I may eat more than I would if not distracted, I am rarely stuffed after I eat.)
6.) Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others (still trying to figure this one out. I guess it's not hiding food. )
7.) Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure (I am trying to slow down my eating, put my fork down between bites, and enjoy the bite in my mouth. It's a change from the normal rapid fire shovel down the throut. So I am working on this one).
Work in progress. Things are going pretty well though. I feel in control for the first time in a long time. I am so happy I went to the retreat! I feel so much better!! Hope everyone is doing well with their journies!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I know the value in eating without distractions. I have seen it work. You have a plate of food. You eat a few of the best bites, let it settle, check in again and repeat as needed. It's really not that hard. It just seems like such a foreign concept to just be doing that one thing. I want the TV on with the computer on and then eating dinner. But then I do forget to eat slowly, enjoy what I am eating and check in on my hunger.
So this is my next big challenge - make this habit. Turn off the monitor at work when it is lunch time and have lunch. Mute the TV and close the laptop when I am eating dinner.
Hope all is well with everyone!
Friday, October 28, 2011
The lumps of the 3 in 13 like my new found lumps and curves
Developed overnight it seems, a new me I must serve
What do I do with this chunky me?
How am I to know who I am supposed to be?
Mom says I'm too big to buy cute clothes
Dad pushes me away because how to deal? Who knows?
I look at my body outside and try to see
Who am I, look at this fat, who can love me?
I need someone who won't laugh, criticize or judge
So I turn to food as my one true love
I am much older now and food is still there
It has become my cross to bear
Food took over and its time to let it go
Little girl 13, you are wonderful you, that you must know
No more suffering, hatred or shame
Take on the challenge, you deserve to win the life game.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Thursday, October 20, 2011
So one of my lessons tonight is that I tend to binge when I am procrastinating. When I really don't want to do something and I am trying to find anything to keep me from having to start. So what I have to do now is really pay attention to that and find a different channel for that energy. Really what I need to do is just suck it up and do what I am putting off. Once I get started I am usually just fine. Its the stress I put on myself ahead of time.
Well, off to shower and to work. I will be leaving the office early today to head home for sleep or I will be binging for another reason.
Monday, October 17, 2011
I got back to the gym today also and worked out for about an hour. I had to laugh at myself on the elliptical. I was doing my warm up thinking it was really hard and that I must be a bit rusty after taking a week off. So I soldiered through for awhile and then went to raise the intensity level on the machine and realized that I started my workout about 5 levels higher than I normally do. DUH!!! No wonder it felt tough, it was tough!!!
I looked around locally for a mediation center. The only things I could find were local groups that meet up in different places. So not really what I was looking for. I am thinking that if I really want to meditate I need to do it on my own. I didn't think that this would be a practice that I would bring home with me, but I kinda miss the chilled out feeling that comes with it. It beats the stress of work and life.
No worries my dear friends, I am not going to be a hippie. Just looking for a way to de-stress a bit. :o)
Well, off to get some sleep. Lots to do tomorrow.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
First the location and the weather - awesome and awesome (at least the last 2 days of weather):
Asilomar is an older location that was originally built in 1918 for the YWCA. So some of the buildings are in the process of renovation and others kinda need it. The room I stayed in felt kinda like camp. But the bed was comfy so that is all that really matters to me. We were just a few minutes walk from the beach and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I spent a lot of time there reflecting and journaling. It was amazingly gorgeous. We were also right ext to Pebble Beach. No wonder it is so famous for the location!!
Second - the people:
There were about 400 people that went to the retreat. Way more than I thought would be there. But it was great meeting so many people with similar issues. I also had 2 great roommates that really helped make the trip that much better. We spent a lot of time together reflecting on the lessons and teachings of the day and worked through a lot of ways to make them applicable to our daily lives. It was nice having them there. Here is a picture of the 3 of us - me, Lisa and Amy.
Thirdly - what I learned: Where to begin on what I learned? I will be going in to this more in upcoming posts. Seems like so much to write in one post. I do have to say that I really learned a lot and know that I have a long, forever journey ahead of me. There is no end to my self discovery and my process to get to know and love myself. And that really is the biggest lesson - this isn't about weight loss, being thin, eating salads or never eating chocolate again. This is all about learning to love myself and treat myself with kindness. Through that love and kindness will come a new relationship with food where I treat it as my bodies nourishment and not as a source of love and fulfillment. WOW!! Easy to say, not so easy to do. As Geneen says - it all comes with practice, practice, practice. Every time you make the decision to treat yourself kindly and eat when you are hungry, stop when you are satisfied it makes it easier the next time to make the same decision. So over and over and over I have to make the best decisions for me. All in all, it was a great trip and I am very happy that I was able to go. It was the right time in my life to make it happen. I am forever changed.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
One of things we are supposed to do in preparation for the retreat is think about and reflect on our reasons for attending the retreat. I thought I would reflect and blog - kill 2 birds with one stone. :o)
I think my main reason for attending the seminar to to delve deeper into the message that Geneen Roth teaches in her books and online seminars. I love the idea of using our desire to overeat as a way to understand ourselves better. I really love the books that she has written and I think by going to the retreat I will have some time to be with other people working through their food issues and struggling to apply Geneen's teachings to their lives.
The interaction with the group is really going to be able to help me apply the different principles to my every day life. By being there and being completely immersed I hope that I can absorb the message even more.
I also have to admit that there is an element of being star struck with a person whose work I have read many times and who I have seen on Oprah. So there is a bit of that included in my reasons for going.
Also - the piece of me that wishes for a quick solution is pushing me as well. The part of my voice that says these 5 days will cure all the issues of the last 30+ years. Wouldn't that be great. Oh to dream. But I do know that isn't going to happen so no worries that I am going into this with the completely wrong goal.
My goal is to learn additional ways to apply the principals Geneen outlines in her books in a practical way in my life. And how to incorporate the ideas in a way that allows me to finally have freedom from my food addiction.
More to come when I get back.......
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
So since I last wrote, I......
1.) Went on vacation for 5 days to the beach. Had an awesome, relaxing time.
2.) Had another week of training in DC. Felt an earthquake.
3.) Turned another year older. YEA 36!!!
4.) Brought another foster cat into the fold (5 cats in the house and 1 dog, too much!!!)
5.) Week of birthday celebrations and dinners.
6.) Survived Huricane Irene
7.) Went to Florida on business travel for 4 days
8.) Survived the monsoon of 2011.
9.) Finished a project that at the end had me up for 40 hours straight.
I have 2 weeks now of normal schedule and I am so excited about that. Trainer 4 times this week and next week and am excited about that. Not much weight loss over the last few weeks, but looking to change that over the next couple of weeks.
What is coming up?
1.) Another week of training in 2 weeks.
2.) Trip to California in early October for a Geneen Roth retreat
3.) A few more weeks and training again at the end of the October
And then we are firmly in holiday season. Where has the time gone????
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
- My mornings started at 5am sharp.
- I was out the door by 6 (after feeding all the animals, showering and cleaning up, and trying to eat a bit of breakfast myself).
- Drop Roxie off at daycare for the day (yes, that is the dog).
- I met some coworkers at the office to drive in to the city at 6:45.
- An hour later we are at the hotel in the city and getting ready for a long day of teaching.
- Lunch break around noon (they served us really good food which was nice).
- Afternoon break - avoided desserts for the most part!
- Crossed fingers each day that I would be able to leave DC at 5pm.
- Make it back to pick up Roxie at 6:30.
- Home by 7:15.
- Get dinner ready for all the animals.
- Eat dinner myself.
- Finish homework from class and prepare for presentation at the end of the week.
- Finish emails from work and take care of anything that needs completing.
- Off to bed around mid-night to start it all over again.
So - needless to say that I didn't get any exercise last week. My eating wasn't horrible. I think I made good choices based on what I was presented with. I went and weighed in on Saturday and I was down 1 pound. It was actually 1 pound more than I expected so I was pretty happy. I now know that for the next 4 months I have to do what I can to lose weight for the first 3 weeks and then expect my week of training to be a wash. That is OK. I am proud of myself and the fact that I didn't gain weight. WOO HOO!!!
Off to bed now. I am realizing that my sleeping habits are playing a big roll in my weight loss issues. I don't get nearly enough sleep. Too much to do! Good night!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Just wanted to give you an update. Last week's post I was a bit down and super frustrated. I listed a few ideas that I was going to apply for the week to see if it made any difference.
Well, I did apply them and I lost 3.6 pounds last week!! Woo Hoo. So that makes me happy.
My new fitness monitor is super cool. I love seeing how many calories I have burned for the day. I know now on the days that I don't get as much exercise, I really have to cut back quite a bit. I also know that I have to try to get more sleep. I am missing out on about 2 hours a night. I also know that I can have a small amount of indulgence (Saturday was a BBQ and I had a hot dog and small piece of cake) and still lose weight.
So I am much happier this week and wanted to let you all know.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I went out Sunday night this week and ate and drank way too much. I tried to correct through the rest of the week (even burning over 1,000 calories at the gym on Tuesday) but I was still up a half a pound from weigh in last week.
I mean, I understand what happened. It's not a shock to me. But I just HATE HATE HATE that I feel I can't have any fun and still lose weight. I feel I have to stay in all weekend and not be tempted because I can't trust my decisions. And that doesn't help me at all because I just end up feeling sad and lonely and eat any way.
So here is my plan -
1.) We adjusted my weekly calories on Jenny to allow me some wiggle room with my plan to still allow for a bit of "fun".
2.) Find new and inventive ways to hang out with friends without going out to eat all the time.
3.) I have a new body monitor to show me how much I am burning a day in calories and adjust from there as needed. I think that I am not burning as much as I think I am and need to have a way to keep thing in check.
So that is that. This will all work its way out.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
1.) I am taking a new role within my organization. It's a lateral move but puts me into a new department in the company and allows me to go through further training/career development. So it's a good move.
2.) I am signed up for training that will take 1 whole week a month for the next 5 months to complete. But once I get this training I will be really marketable.
3.) I cut the shit out of my foot yesterday and had to go get 4 stitches. Not a good day. Now I am on crutches because I can't put much weight on it right now.
4.) I decided to join Jenny Craig as a way to put some forced structure into my eating for now. Food tastes pretty good and I am happy with this for now. I am hoping what this will do is break a few bad habits I have fallen into over the last year. I am doing good so far.
5.) I have a super cute foster kitty in my house that is taking up a lot of time while I try to socialize him. His name is Monty. I did have 3 of his brothers and sisters, but they have moved on to a new foster family. Monty is coming along so I think that he will be adoptable.
I think that is all for major updates. Back to sitting on the couch and letting my foot heal. 10 days and the stitches can come out.
Friday, May 13, 2011
My boss read something to us on Monday from HR saying how important it is to sleep 8 hours a night. HA!!! I told him he needed to take like 8 projects off of my plate for that to happen. :o)
I know things will start to slow down. At least that is what I tell myself. It's Friday night now and I am not doing any work. I am watching Kitchen Nightmares, writing a blog and chillin' out. That is all I am worried about tonight. Just relaxing and hoping my brain shuts down for awhile.
Have a good one all!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The understanding of when I should start eating is easy to recognize. Hunger pains are hard to miss. I pretty much wait until I feel that and then I have something to eat. Super crazy idea!!! The hardest part for me is understanding when to stop. I think what Geneen says though is so true - if you are eating for reasons other than being hungry you will never feel satisfied and will not know when to stop eating. Since you are trying to fill another void that typically wouldn't be filled with food then there is no real stopping point. And it's so true. I do feel when I am hungry that I get to a point when eating that I feel done. I am working on stopping at that point.
I have to keep telling myself that if I am hungry again in a little bit that the food will still be there. I am not sure why I feel like if I don't eat it now then it will never be there again. I am surrounded by food. Where do I think it is going? It's a totally crazy idea. I have never been without food. Except for maybe a few weeks in my first job when I was making only $18,000 a year. But even then I had boxed of Mac and Cheese.
So, I don't know where the craziness comes from. But I want to be in control of my eating. And I am going to get there. I may never be a size 2 - but who wants that! But I can be in control and happy with my life. Maybe a size 10. :o)
Hi Kris!! Hope all is well.
Friday, March 18, 2011
- Be kind to myself.
- Eat for proper nourishment so I can have the energy to live life to the fullest.
- Exercise to keep myself strong.
- Be good to others around me.
No where in there does it indicate that I have to live life focused on food, when I can get food and what I can get. Fulfillment does not come from a Twinkie!!! It comes from trusting other people, loving and being loved by others, and connecting with people. Not the slice of pizza on my plate.
These are the messages I have to remember every day. And I can do this!! And I deserve this!!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Geneen has many practices that she outlines throughout her books and her session. She wants us to pick one practice at a time and work on that. Not to try to do this all at the same time. It's too overwhelming to make all the changes at once. But change isn't going to happen on its own- we have to work the practice one at a time. Master one and move to the next practice. Continue to work all the past practices. What are you willing to put into practice?
- We do not change ourselves by force, deprivation, guilt, fear, shame, or punishment. This results in a counter force that makes your rebound in some way at some time.
- Force closes the heart.
- Change happens from love to love.
- When we practice being kind to ourselves and listening to ourselves it becomes impossible to binge. (what is going on, am i hungry, am i full, why do i want to binge) - be quiet with yourself and listen.
- Take in the good in your life - what's positive, appreciate it, acknowledge (not necessarily huge things - small accomplishments are great too).
- Do you feel safe at the weight you are at? Do you need to feel badly about yourself to feel safe? Do you identify yourself at a certain weight?
- Who are you loyal to? What are you loyal to?
- What do you need to do to feel loved? Is it maladaptive?
- How do you realign? Be curious about it, inquire about it, sit with it, disengage from "the voice"
- Brain likes familiarity. Outside of this creates dissonance, lack of safety feeling, pull to go back
- Expect to be very uncomfortable getting outside of your comfort zone.
- The more you turn to food when you are not hungry the more powerless you feel about taking action on your own behalf. You feel younger, more hopeless, more dependant.
- Food is not teaching you to trust yourself, feel more powerful, not serving your best interest, not bringing you closer to yourself
- It's good to have an inquiry partner that you can meet with regularly to talk. Follow the inquiry steps in the back of Women, Food and God.
- Change your orientation or relationship to your experiences and redirect from food.
- It's not about the experience itself it's how you react to it.
- Meditation - don't feel like a failure if this is hard to do.
- Meditation - time to be with yourself, know what is going on in your mind, getting to know your mind
- Don't let your thoughts send you to a binge. They are just thoughts and shouldn't have that power. No matter how horrible or mean. All thoughts should be welcomed and questioned.
- Thoughts are uncontrollable, what you can control is where you place your attention (relationship to them)
- "When I get to the end of my life I want to a bride that was married to amazement."
- Our life is not about the number on the scale or how good we did last week or our pants size. It's about knowing who we are. Use our relationship with food to know who we are.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
- Change needs to be taken slowly. It doesn't happen overnight. Make your choices and start to make small changes and build on that new habit.
- How do you change a habit? By wanting to make a change.
- Binge = bolting from yourself and avoiding discomfort
- Become aware on a daily basis your goals.
- Every binge = a lost opportunity to be with yourself and to break free from your pattern.
- Question the beliefs that lead you to think that it is not OK for you to be happy.
- Sometimes it is necessary to retreach a thing its loveliness. To put a hand on its brow on the flow and to retell it in words and in touch that it is lovely.
- Question the belief that you are not lovely (i.e. always a failure, not loveable, not fixable)
- This process is not an intellectual process.
- When your mind stops you can reach your true being. Tap into essense.
- Know your patterns and you will be able to divert more quickly. You don't have to keep rexploring it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I haven't posted in awhile. Been a bit busy, super tired, and not really motivated. But wanted to touch base so I don't fall out of habit again.
1.) Just found out today that the kitty i fostered a few weeks back was adopted to a nice family. I am happy for her and happy for me that I didn't have to make a decision on whether to adopt her myself. :o)
2.) Heading to Arkansas tomorrow for a quick business trip. Should be OK on the food front. My only problem is that its hard to stay on schedule so I tend to find myself really hungry and then make bad decisions. So I am taking some snacks with me to have on hand.
3.) I have started reading Geneen Roth again and am working on her thoughts on not dieting and trying to focus on eating when I am hungry and eating what I am hungry for. Crazy thought! But I lost a few pounds this week and I even had some wine and ate lunch out with friends. I also had chocolate. YUM! So going to focus on this for a bit.
4.) Signed up for a retreat in California with Geneen Roth in October. Kinda expensive ,but it seems like a great 5 days. If I work on her thoughts between now and then I should have a lot of questions and should be able to get a lot out of it. I am really looking forward to it!!
5.) Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!! Hope you are all having a great day.
That's about it for now. Off to pack for a 6am flight in the morning.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
It really doesn't help your resolve when all you are craving is carbs. And I mean craving! Anything for a boost of energy. Which of course is only a temporary fix and it just makes it worse in the end. So, going to limit my carbs for a few days to try to rebound from this and get back to some natural energy.
Well, signing off now at 6:00 pm to go to bed. :o(
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The urge to binge today wasn't too strong. It did cross my mind. But I was really busy this evening and went to the trainer tonight. I find that trainer days are binge free days. I guess after working that hard I don't feel the need to eat. So I walked Roxie, came home, had a bit to eat and here I sit typing a message. It feels good to write it out and let it go.
I'll get over letting Finley go. She will find a good home soon. I just have to remember that I was able to give her a warm home for a few days on her way to find her forever home. She will be adopted soon. She is too adorable not to be.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I have a simple goal for the next 3 weeks - make healthier choices. They say it takes 3 weeks to change a habit. So this 3 weeks is writing down my food in my food journal. That is what I am going to focus on. By writing down I will see my food choices and where I can possibly improve moving forward.
I am going to focus on this blog again as a way to journal my feelings. I am still an emotional eater that uses food to suppress my feelings. I know that my issues with food completely revolve around my inappropriate use of food to soothe my feelings. I hardly eat when I am hungry because I don't get hungry. For those that don't eat through emotions this must be such a crazy concept. But for me it's a daily struggle.
So I will welcome myself back and pledge to blog at least once week as I work through my issues.