So Far, So Good

This week has been going pretty good. Allowing myself to add some of my favorites into a meal when I am hungry is really nice. I have actually kept cupcakes in my house this whole week. They are there in the fridge and I haven't totally gorged on them. AMAZING! I actually had a salad and a cookie today for lunch. I think the guy at the store thought I was crazy. But I don't care.

Exercise has been good so far. I went to my first Zumba class tonight and had such a great time. Just a bunch of white ladies pretending we have rhythm! Too funny. :o) But it was so much fun.

Geneen Roth's first online retreat session was last night. Here were a few of the take aways -

1. Diets don't work.
2. Change doesn't come by loathing yourself
3. We do what we do for the best possible reasons. We turn to food because we feel this is our best solution to the pain.
4. Pain is part of life. Everyone has pain.
5. Our relationship with food is a doorway to how we approach everything.

So I am hitting this at all angles now and am feeling pretty good. On the upside right now.

I can continue!

Sunday night

I am focusing today on the fact that it's Sunday and I really want to eat. I know weekends are harder for me than any other, but Sunday seems to be harder this weekend. Maybe it's because I have been home all day not doing too much. But I really didn't need to do much. So I am never sure what I should be replacing my time with instead of doing nothing.

I also think that Sunday means the end of the weekend and tomorrow is Monday and I have to go back to work. I don't really feel much anxiety about work, but maybe it has something to do with it.

Maybe it's because this is 2 days in a row alone at home. Now I am feeling the weight of being alone and hating being alone.

Maybe doing nothing all day makes me feel like I should do nothing about controlling my eating.

It could be a lot of things. I just wanted to write it down.

I will figure this out!

Yesterday....

I tried to eat according to when I felt hungry. It worked pretty well throughout the day. Dinner was a bit strange. I kept looking at the clock thinking it was time to eat and wondering when my stomach was going to start growling. It never started. So around 7:30 I went ahead and made dinner. It seemed weird to me that I could possibly have dinner at 9:00. I guess if that had happened and I knew I would be in bed soon then I could have eaten something smaller. So for the first day I think things went pretty well.

I was at the grocery store today and kept telling myself that I could buy anything I want to eat only when I was hungry. I didn't allow myself to indulge too much. I am still a dieter at heart and that is going to take FOREVER to get over.

I am afraid that if I have too much in my house that a binge is sure to happen. So I have allowed some dieter mentality in my life to not give myself too much leeway. So we shall see this week how things go.

I do like Geneen Roth's books. I am participating in an online workshop with Geneen starting this week. I am excited and think it will be a great learning experience.

I know this will work!

What to do?

I am not sure how to handle my compulsive addiction. If I were an alcoholic or drug addict I would know that I could not ever touch my addictive substance again. I wouldn't see drugs and alcohol every other commercial, smell it when I drive down the road, and know that I have to eat to live. I am not saying that other addictions are not tough as hell to break. I can only image with how tough mine is what it is like for drugs or alcohol.

So do I cut my most favorite trigger foods from my life forever? That hasn't seemed to work long term at any point in my life.

I have read some things lately that say - don't restrict anything, just start listening to your body and eat whatever you want ONLY when you are hungry and STOP when you are no longer hungry. Well GEE why didn't i think of that 30 years ago. I mean it does make very good sense though. I just need to figure out how to listen to my cues of hunger and fullness. I can't gorge on all kinds of things whenever i feel like it. I know today for example. I had a big lunch and tonight I didn't really need too much to eat for dinner. So this can be done, but it is very, very scary to let go of "dieting".

Soooooo.........what to do? What to do???

I can figure this out!!

Here I am!

Well I haven't posted in a very long time. Not sure what prompted me to hop back on today, but I thought I would leave a message. I think with a lot of bloggers, it's great in the beginning and then the newness wears off and we stop blogging. Well I am going to make and attempt to blog a few times a week. It does help to get things off my chest.

So since I last left a message, nothing new has changed. I am still bingeing and not losing weight. I have been trying really hard to curb some bad behaviors and get parts of my life in order. I did very well for a few weeks and have since relapsed. So I have to start again.

1.) I am not going to make extra stops at the grocery store for food. All food I need for the week will be purchased on my weekend trip.

2.) I will cut out sugar from my life. This one is SO HARD!!!! But the second I start to eat it again I go crazy and lose control again.

I am sure a lot of people saw the Oprah episode this week. So I have purchased a Genene Roth book. I read some of her excerpts and there isn't a lot of information that is new. I just need to work on eating in the present moment and focus on that. I need to make better choices based on what my body needs not necessarily what I want to eat all the time. I also need to exercise more.

I CAN DO THIS!!! I WILL DO THIS!!!