Sunday, June 20, 2010

Geneen Roth Session #4

OK, OK - so I am behind just a little bit and am doing 2 sessions in one day. :o) And the 5th session is in 2 days. So I am really behind. But that's OK. I guess I need to reflect and practice inquiry around why it is taking me this long to get to the classes. I think I know the answer - CHANGE and being afraid that this is just another thing that I am getting my hopes up about and it not working. So I am working on that.

It is so weird that I wrote the sentences above, started the recorded session and the first question that came up today was from a participant that is saying that she started feeling hopeful and now is feeling defeated and feeling like this is just something else to fail at. Very interesting. It's amazing how you think you are the only one feeling these feelings and you suddenly find out that it is so far from the truth.

Session #4 Topic - "Finding Your Enough"

Beginning Questions

1.) Things do not change in 4 weeks. Don't be impatient. The thought of wanting to change does not change us. Insight is not enough. Actions need to be taken that are different from what you have done before. Words alone do not change - you must take action!

2.) Align yourself with intention can feel like deprivation, but the follow through on intention is more of an undoing that a doing. Undoing of our habitual ways of being unconscious. We are going against our usual way of being unconscious.

3.) We are loyal to our old way of doing things. Dig in and determine who we are being loyal to.

4.) A lot of us have the longing to have someone else do this for us and to fix us. As we know though, no one can do this for us. This is the child inside of us coming out. Have compassion for this voice.

5.) Exercise - you can't shame yourself into working out and have it be good for you. Pay attention to the kind of movement that feels best for you. How would I like to move? What is the answer - go with that.

6.) Rest, contact, food and movement - the 4 things the body must have.

Today's Topic

1.) Each of us has an essence. We have lost this knowledge and feel homeless.

2.) We identify with our personality or ego - this is the small self that we take ourselves to be.

3.) Inquiry allows us to remove the barriers that are holding us back inside ourselves. We have unlimited potential.

4.) When you are not connected to who you really are - you feel broken, wounded. Until you understand yourself and connect with yourself - you will always feel lonely.

5.) If as a child we could have been able to stay connected to ourselves when someone else did something to us - the wound would not have happened. We would have been able to see that the action was about the other person and not ourselves. Because we were not able to do that as a child we separated from ourselves. We need to focus that this is still the case that it has to do with the other person and not ourselves. We need to learn the way back.

6.) Food is the doorway to your essence. It is the closest thing we have to our essence because it's the present link to it.

7.) We don't pay attention to our awareness, we pay attention to the thought itself.

8.) Determining your true self is not going to get you to an ultimate goal. It is just itself the nature of itself - you will be closer to yourself.

Practices for the Week

Eat what your body wants. - this is not what think you should be eating, deprivation, what you wanted as a child

Notice what you are loyal to.

Geneen Roth Session #3

The topic of this session is - "What are you really hungry for?" This is a great question for me. I think ultimately I am looking for acceptance mostly for myself, I am looking for love and I am looking for purpose. I know that sitting on the couch on the weekends binging is not the life that I want to lead or one that I will be fulfilled with when the end comes.

Below are the notes for week #3 from Geneen Roth's online retreat.

Session began with class member questions -

1.) What should we eat when hungry? Listen to your body hungry. Tune in to it. Check into your body and figure out what works and what doesn't.

2.) How do I eat when I am hungry on a structured schedule? Make the guidelines work for you. Take into consideration what works for you. Take care of yourself.

3.) Should I eat breakfast? Know your body.

4.) Should I lose weight before I start working the guidelines? this seems to be more like a deferral process. Scared of change. Dig deep into your thoughts and determine your real motives.

Messages on Tonight's Topic

1.) Inquiry - allows you to be curious about what you really believe and feel. Conscious or unconscious. Self-image and identity are made up of beliefs, feelings and thoughts. This is what we believe to be the truth because we have thought it so long and no longer question the truth. How we define success and failure. Inquiry is the focus and questioning our resistance to what we are feeling.

2.) Curiosity - how was it handled as a child? Were you allowed to ask questions were you scolded?

3.) Being a victim and victim mentality is the opposite of curiosity. It allows you to remove yourself from this reflection.

4.) We no longer rely on adults to take care of us. We are adults now. If we keep repeating what we heard as children and to believe it we are allowing those other adult voices to be our voices.

5.) Whatever you are feeling - treat it as if it's the first time you have felt it and really look at the feeling and explore it.

6.) Inquiry
a.) Cannot have an agenda.
b.) Cannot have preferences on emotions
c.) No judgements allowed
d.) Voice needs to be questions and disengaged
e.) Don't analyze it
f.) You have to be willing to know something you may not want to know

7.) Sensation Location - what is the sensation and where do I feel it the most? Become more precise from there. Color, shape, true feeling? This is the first step of inquiry.

8.) This is a practice and isn't going to be an instant ah-ha moment. We aren't going to be good at it in the beginning.

The Voice

1.) We are so blended with the voice that it is in the first person and it does sound like ourselves talking to ourselves.

2.) Recognize the attack of the voice - you suddenly feel small and diminished.

3.) You may not in the beginning that the voice is talking to you, but you will feel the after effects. Now you can start working yourself backwards to figure out what is going on.

4.) Sometimes you feel desperate and need to find someone else really smart. Need to find a guide or a mentor. This is the influence of the voice.

5.) Work at the "you" and "me" process. Put your voice into second person and start to separate. Talk back to the voice and put it in it's place.

This week's practice -

Eat without distractions - no television, reading, computer

Practice Inquiry - start developing your curiosity. Ask yourself why you did something you told yourself you weren't going to do. Be kind to your self.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

June 1st Session

I was out of town last week and missed the Geneen Roth session. I am just getting to the class now. Here are the learning and interesting comments for the evening:

Identifications from the previous week:
  1. we hardly eat when we are hungry.
  2. we eat on a schedule.
  3. we don't need nearly as much food as you need.
  4. nothing is a rule.
  5. if you eat when you are not hungry, there is no gauge to tell you to stop.
  6. if you eat when you are not hungry, you will not know what you are hungry for.
  7. when you stop using food to push down your feelings you have to deal with them.
  8. when you stop eating when you are not hungry, you will start feeling new things and wonder what to do with your time.
  9. commit to yourself
  10. what is the most important thing to you - re-decide on a daily basis
  11. eat what your body wants
  12. mouth hunger - looking, smelling food
  13. body hunger - what your body needs for nourishment, energy, vitality
  14. mind hunger - choosing what used to be forbidden
  15. beliefs drive actions and they should be questioned
  16. taking time with yourself is not self indulgent of selfish
"Beyond What's Broken: Becoming Whole Again"
  1. Every single one of us start our lives with a sense of being fine without self reflection.
  2. As we get older we begin to learn what approval and disapproval is.
  3. Construct our self images based on what we learn as lovable and what is not lovable - what was paid attention to.
  4. Change is impossible until we understand our inner critic and the voice that says you CAN'T DO THIS!
  5. Current status quo is having a dysfunctional relationship with food. Changing this upsets the voice and it comes in to stun you to stop transformation.
  6. The voice's function is supposed to stop us from doing what to do and what not to do in society. It starts as our parents and becomes internalized as we get older.
  7. The voice takes objective truth and blends it with moral judgement. (i gained 20 lbs this year blends with I am a loser and have no will power).
  8. You know you are under the influence of the voice when you feel paralyzed, needy, weak, shamed or desperate.
  9. Name your voice. It is possible to separate ourselves from the voice.
  10. Disengage from your voice. Defend against your voice and tell it to get lost.
  11. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

So Far, So Good

This week has been going pretty good. Allowing myself to add some of my favorites into a meal when I am hungry is really nice. I have actually kept cupcakes in my house this whole week. They are there in the fridge and I haven't totally gorged on them. AMAZING! I actually had a salad and a cookie today for lunch. I think the guy at the store thought I was crazy. But I don't care.

Exercise has been good so far. I went to my first Zumba class tonight and had such a great time. Just a bunch of white ladies pretending we have rhythm! Too funny. :o) But it was so much fun.

Geneen Roth's first online retreat session was last night. Here were a few of the take aways -
  1. Diets don't work.
  2. Change doesn't come by loathing yourself
  3. We do what we do for the best possible reasons. We turn to food because we feel this is our best solution to the pain.
  4. Pain is part of life. Everyone has pain.
  5. Our relationship with food is a doorway to how we approach everything.

So I am hitting this at all angles now and am feeling pretty good. On the upside right now.

I can continue!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sunday night

I am focusing today on the fact that it's Sunday and I really want to eat. I know weekends are harder for me than any other, but Sunday seems to be harder this weekend. Maybe it's because I have been home all day not doing too much. But I really didn't need to do much. So I am never sure what I should be replacing my time with instead of doing nothing.

I also think that Sunday means the end of the weekend and tomorrow is Monday and I have to go back to work. I don't really feel much anxiety about work, but maybe it has something to do with it.

Maybe it's because this is 2 days in a row alone at home. Now I am feeling the weight of being alone and hating being alone.

Maybe doing nothing all day makes me feel like I should do nothing about controlling my eating.

It could be a lot of things. I just wanted to write it down.

I will figure this out!


I tried to eat according to when I felt hungry. It worked pretty well throughout the day. Dinner was a bit strange. I kept looking at the clock thinking it was time to eat and wondering when my stomach was going to start growling. It never started. So around 7:30 I went ahead and made dinner. It seemed weird to me that I could possibly have dinner at 9:00. I guess if that had happened and I knew I would be in bed soon then I could have eaten something smaller. So for the first day I think things went pretty well.

I was at the grocery store today and kept telling myself that I could buy anything I want to eat only when I was hungry. I didn't allow myself to indulge too much. I am still a dieter at heart and that is going to take FOREVER to get over.

I am afraid that if I have too much in my house that a binge is sure to happen. So I have allowed some dieter mentality in my life to not give myself too much leeway. So we shall see this week how things go.

I do like Geneen Roth's books. I am participating in an online workshop with Geneen starting this week. I am excited and think it will be a great learning experience.

I know this will work!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

What to do?

I am not sure how to handle my compulsive addiction. If I were an alcoholic or drug addict I would know that I could not ever touch my addictive substance again. I wouldn't see drugs and alcohol every other commercial, smell it when I drive down the road, and know that I have to eat to live. I am not saying that other addictions are not tough as hell to break. I can only image with how tough mine is what it is like for drugs or alcohol.

So do I cut my most favorite trigger foods from my life forever? That hasn't seemed to work long term at any point in my life.

I have read some things lately that say - don't restrict anything, just start listening to your body and eat whatever you want ONLY when you are hungry and STOP when you are no longer hungry. Well GEE why didn't i think of that 30 years ago. I mean it does make very good sense though. I just need to figure out how to listen to my cues of hunger and fullness. I can't gorge on all kinds of things whenever i feel like it. I know today for example. I had a big lunch and tonight I didn't really need too much to eat for dinner. So this can be done, but it is very, very scary to let go of "dieting".

Soooooo.........what to do? What to do???

I can figure this out!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Here I am!

Well I haven't posted in a very long time. Not sure what prompted me to hop back on today, but I thought I would leave a message. I think with a lot of bloggers, it's great in the beginning and then the newness wears off and we stop blogging. Well I am going to make and attempt to blog a few times a week. It does help to get things off my chest.

So since I last left a message, nothing new has changed. I am still bingeing and not losing weight. I have been trying really hard to curb some bad behaviors and get parts of my life in order. I did very well for a few weeks and have since relapsed. So I have to start again.

1.) I am not going to make extra stops at the grocery store for food. All food I need for the week will be purchased on my weekend trip.

2.) I will cut out sugar from my life. This one is SO HARD!!!! But the second I start to eat it again I go crazy and lose control again.

I am sure a lot of people saw the Oprah episode this week. So I have purchased a Genene Roth book. I read some of her excerpts and there isn't a lot of information that is new. I just need to work on eating in the present moment and focus on that. I need to make better choices based on what my body needs not necessarily what I want to eat all the time. I also need to exercise more.


Thursday, February 18, 2010


So I have been been very good this week, but I can feel myself ebbing to bad. I want to eat sugar so bad. I want to snack. But I also want to lose weight and fit back into the other 90% of my clothes. So I am resisting at this point.

I heard from my Mom on Sunday that she has been back on plan, so I have to continue with her. I also know that the spring is not too far away and I want to fit into those clothes.

Not too much to write today except that I am having a tough time and just needed to write a little bit about it.

I am strong!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Here We Go Again

Well we are about to get hit by another snow storm. I can't believe this winter! It has been horrible. I won't stop snowing. I am over it.

I am in such a pattern that when I am going to get snowed in - I buy all kinds of junk, comfort food. I know its horrible, but I also know that I am not the only one. Everyone seems to do this. But it is not helping me to get back on schedule.

I am really having serious issues with sugar right now. My addiction has taken OVER!! And I am letting it. I wanted to lose 10lbs this month and it doesn't seem like I will be doing that. I know I need to be more optimistic. That is part of my problem. I have lost the weight before and I have taken control of my life before. I know I can do this. And I know how great I feel when I am in control.

At this point, my sugar highs are more powerful than the feeling I have of being in control and losing weight. I just have to stop. Stopping tomorrow always ends up being pushed off and pushed off. I need to start now.

I will not put it off anymore!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Copying Rules from Before as Reminder

Here are the rules I have thought of so far -

1.) I can only eat 5 times a day with nothing in between timed meals and snacks.

2.) Meals at restaurants are a protein, vegetables, and one single starch

3.) No candy, cakes, or processed sweets

4.) All main meals are a protein and a vegetable and sometimes a starch

5.) The only food I can eat is what is written down for the day. I cannot deter from the plan.

It's Been Awhile

Well as you can see I haven't posted since Jan 19th. I have really given into my addiction since then and have done very little to fight it. I am not sure why I have fallen back into this. I am just letting it take over my life and letting myself wallow in self pity. I am so unhappy with myself. I really need to get back on track.

I have said this before - I need to find my motivation. There has to be something out there that motivates me more than my sugar addiction. I have to really stick to something and cut out all sugar from my life. I am not sure how I am going to do this.

When I think about things, I can plan them out in my head for the next day. And then I allow myself to waiver and then throw off the rest of the day and sometimes the whole week. I have to go back to my post from awhile ago with my rules. I have to get back into my rules and live and breath them.

I have to do this!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

I have been slipping the last few days. I'm not sure why it seems like I have some good success and then I start to regress. I need to find a way to get my goals written down and made available to me at any point when I feel my resolve slipping. Today I went to Wegman's and walked out with 2 chocolate chip cookies. 2!!! I saw them and it was all over. I didn't even think about all the good work I have done and stopped myself from picking them up. I know better. I don't know.

So, what this means now is tomorrow is back on track. No need to blow out the rest of the week. I am going to work on my goal sheet and find a way to keep it handy all the time.

I can do this!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Under Appreciated

OK - so this is today's feeling. As I was driving home from work I was feeling sorry for myself because I am feeling a bit left out and separated from others at work. My best friend at work has left, my boss hasn't been in for a week, I am just back to work from 2 weeks off, I am in the middle of evaluations at work, and I don't see any immediate growth with my current position. So - I am feeling a bit lost at the moment. I really wanted to eat tonight when I got home, but I resisted the urge and stuck with my meal shake.

This is just another identification of an emotion that can lead me to binge.

I know that I am being silly with this. I know that people appreciate me and that I am a valued asset at work. I am now talking my self down from the edge and appreciating what I have and where I am with my career. Life is good. I need to remember that and totally appreciate what I have and where I have come from.

I am appreciated and valued!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Great Weekend!

Well, I made it through a great weekend. I didn't stress about food. I didn't binge at all. I had lunch both days out with friends and ate sensibly, but again didn't stress about it. When dinner came around both nights I was only slightly hungry so I had my meal replacement and was totally satisfied.

I am really excited about learning how to balance my days. I can have a bigger lunch with friends as long as I balance it out late with a small dinner. This feels right and good.

I am still cutting out all "Kids Sugar" except for a low fat ice cream bar at night. But no candy, cookies, cake, pie, etc.

I am still struggling with incorporating exercise into my routine on a regular basis. I realized its because I am bored with what I have available to me. I have some places I want to check out for a change of pace. Zumba or Cycling or something. Just for a change up. I am also going to get back into my weight lifting tomorrow morning.

I have to come up with a new plan for my alarm clock. I have been hitting snooze WAY TOO MUCH. I have to get up in the morning so I can do all the things I want to do. Exercise, walk the dog, feed the pets, drink coffee and eat breakfast, workout and then get to the office on time. PHEW!!! Lots to do first thing in the am. But I like doing all of that. Better than trying to do it in the evening.

I am changing!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Back to the Routine

Well I have been back to work for just about a week. Things are going well. I have made a decision to try something new with my eating. I kind of slipped from routine today, but it was a weird day. I am eating most of my calories before about 5:00. When I get home from work I make myself busy and stop to have a meal replacement shake around 7-7:30. I bought Shakeology from It is a very well balanced shake. I make it with milk. It's actually filling enough to get me through to bed time. It's about 250 calories. I think as I do this more and more I will get used to it.

What this does for me is to eliminate a bad time for bingeing for me. If I know I only get a shake at night then there is no reason to keep going back to the kitchen. I am done for the night and that's it.

Now I just need to figure out what to do for the weekends. That is the worst time of the week for me. It is so hard to stay on track. But I just have to continue with what I know - veggies, protein, calcium, whole wheat, and nightly shake.

I will succeed!!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Vacation is Ending

Well I am almost done with my vacation time. I have gotten quite a bit done around the house which is great. I am looking forward to a bit of structure again with my time. I am starting to lose a bit of control with my eating. I have been to McDonald's twice in 3 days and ordered a pizza. I just don't normally do that. I haven't been focused on my rules and need to get back on track,

I know one thing for me to do when I feel things slipping is to start writing things down again. It always helps me to get back on track. I also took some nasty fat pictures today to add to my journal. Nothing motivates you more than looking at your double chin - YUCK!

No New Years resolutions though. I am not going to set myself up for that. I do want to lose 5 pounds a month each month in 2010. That would get me to goal. I also want to start going to church again. Aim will be twice a month.

I can change!