Sunday, December 27, 2009

Post Christmas - Post Family Time

Well, I made it through Christmas with little issues. I had a nice time with family and didn't think too much about food. When i was getting ready to come home I started thinking about what I was going to eat when I got home. I talked myself out of that thinking for awhile. I did give in a bit today but I didn't do too bad.

Back on the bandwagon tomorrow. I have to go through the kitchen and get rid of a few things that are sitting in there, but not too much. The next few days should be pretty busy for me as I start a few house projects. I have 5 days to do several projects in my bathrooms. And then this upcoming weekend, Christmas stuff has to come down.

I wish I had written this morning, but the day got away from me again. Tomorrow morning I will get up and get somethings done around the house. It is very easy to sit on the couch and let the whole day go by playing video games or watching TV. But not anymore this week. I have to get somethings done.

I will get up and get moving.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Snow Days

We are buried under about 20" of snow. Good thing it's a Saturday. I had no where to go today which was great. I did shovel snow 3 times and am sure I have one more time tomorrow morning.

I think I have done pretty good. The last time we had a huge snow storm I ate myself out of house and home. I ran to the grocery store last night and only bought a few essentials. I didn't buy anything extra. I was very proud of myself.

Tomorrow I will continue to be on plan. I have done such a good job the last 2 weeks. I will write down my food and plan my day because I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be more of a struggle because it's my second day cooped up in the house. I do have some things to do here so I will plan on working on a few projects.

I am on the right course.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Struggle Continues

So this week I have a total of 5 holiday events. I had a dinner last night and I think I did pretty good. Today I have lunch and cocktail hour. Tomorrow I have lunch and then happy hour. So the plan this week is to have controlled fun with friends. No plans to lose weight this week - its all about maintenance.

I have been doing a great job. My addicted, sugar craving voice has been speaking very loudly to me. I think I am eager for vacation and want the next few days to pass quickly. I also had to have surgery on my kitty and that caused stress, but I didn't eat. I am very proud.

They say it takes 3 weeks to adopt a new change. I am a week and a half in. Half way there.

I talked to a friend last night that gives himself monthly challenges to adjust different things in his life. I like that idea and will start that in 2010. I am on a monthly challenge now to follow my rules and continue on this course. I like his one challenge to cut out all "kid" sugar. Anything that a kid would consider as candy or a sweet. This will be January's challenge.

I am a challenger!

Monday, December 14, 2009


OK - so the emotion I am feeling now is jealousy and envy. I am also feeling under appreciated and a bit helpless. I am feeling this way because of work today.

I am bringing this up because I really want to eat right now and I had to get this off of my chest before I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. I think in the back of my mind I recognized this feeling as a trigger all along but never really took the opportunity to stop this pattern.

I am now seeing that I use food in these situations to make me feel full again for at least a bit of time. I was out walking my dog earlier and I kept feeling this way and then I thought about food and it distracted me and allowed me a moment to think about something else. I think a lot of times its more about the thought of the reward an less about the reward itself. I think about food and it makes me feel better. And then of course I start craving it so I go out and get it.

I have done very well for a whole week and I want to continue this path.

I am not going to let something that is out of my control at work send me to the refrigerator for more food than I need. That doesn't solve the situation at all.

I will remain strong and in control.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Good Weekend

I had a good weekend. Friends were over last night for a dinner party. It was really nice to have a holiday dinner with the group. Steak, potatoes, veggies, salad, appetizer and dessert. And several glasses of wine. I think that eating wise I did really well. I was really busy most of the day getting the house ready for guests. I took the time to have lunch and a snack about an hour or so before guests arrived. So I didn't feel hungry.

When every arrived and dinner and drinks were served, I decided not to go crazy, but also to have a good time and not stress. So I had a salad to help fill up and I only had one serving of dinner.

Usually once the guests leave I dive into more food. This time I started to, but stopped myself. Anything that was left over that abuse potential was thrown away. I cleaned up a bit and went right to bed.

Overall I think I managed to balance staying in control and having a good time with friends. I want to be able to enjoy my time with friends and not go crazy.

Today I remained in control and did very well. I do need to work on incorporating exercise back into my routine. I have really gotten out of the habit and I need to get back into it.

This week coming up I have 5 events. So I need to remain in control and do what needs to be done to have fun, but not throw away all the good I have done so far this month.

I am successful!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday Night

I am really, really jonesing for additional food tonight. Friday's are typically the beginning of my weekend long bingeing. I am not going to let that happen tonight. I had to log on and write about it thought because all I can think about right now is food. I have plenty of other things to do tonight, but I am so focused on the kitchen.

I am not going to give in tonight. My change occurred on Monday night and I am not going to let it fall apart now. I have been abstinent for 5 days. That is a HUGE deal and I am very proud of myself. I am not going to let it fall apart now.

I already feel better after writing this small blog. It's amazing what a few written out words can do.

I am strong!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Still on Path

Yesterday was tougher. I stayed the course though. But mi-afternoon and evening cravings hit hard. I know I just need to forge through this while my body readjusts to a little bit less food. I know I am not being deprived. But this is my body rejecting and pushing me to continue my addiction.

Today is a Department Outing at work. I think, but am not sure, that we will be going out to dinner. I am not concerned. I am going to have a light lunch and have my snacks. Dinner will be a protein and a vegetable. Glass of lemon water. No wine tonight since i have work in the morning and have work to do tonight when I get home.

Things are going well so far. Not easy to make changes during the holidays, but there is no great time. But I have to change and it has to happen now. So I am taking that control and I know I can do this.

I am in control!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Following the Rules

Well, yesterday I followed the rules to a tee. I had my moments where I thought - "I don't have to do this perfectly". At that point I stopped myself immediately and said "YES YOU DO". Don't let IT (my addicted voice) lead my life. I am able to take control of this. Food will not have power over me any longer.

I am happy to be taking this control.

I am also going to start working on a small thought journal. In this journal I am going to write small reminders to myself about how bad I feel when I binge and how good I feel when I don't. I am sure that everyone is aware that over time we tend to remember the good and not the bad. So I have to have a constant reminder that a full day of sugar leads to horrible headaches and lethargy. A day of exercise leads to energy and optimism. I will tape in pictures of me at different stages of weight. I want reminders of how my outward appearance changes with weight gain and loss.

I am also going to reach out to a friend and see if she wants to be a weight loss buddy. We can support each other through this process.

My Ultimate Goal - I want to lose 50lbs before Thanksgiving 2010.

I am making this happen!!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Holiday Crazy

Well, my eating has been slipping out of control lately. I know what I am doing, but continue to do the same thing over and over again. I am not following the steps that help me gain control and my weight is going up and up. I am so unhappy at the moment. This is crazy.

I feel like I am just keeping myself in this pattern for some reason because I know I have quite a few holiday events coming up where I may not be in control of my eating. So might as well just make myself totally out of control up until that point. Which is crazy. I can go out and have a good time and still be in control.

Control starts now!

I mentioned a book I have been reading in my last post. I think it is a wonderful book and highly recommend it. I have made it to the section that lists what needs to be done to cut out hypereating. And it is going to take work. It always takes work. There are no magic pills. The main thing I have to do it come up with rules. And stick by those rules. It is going to be hard, but if the rule is set I must follow it. It's not a day to day thing. It's a decision that needs to be made and stuck with. So I am going to be writing out my new rules of eating. It may be in a couple of different blogs as I start to come up with them. once I am done I will re-write in another blog.

Here are the rules I have thought of so far -

1.) I can only eat 5 times a day with nothing in between timed meals and snacks.

2.) Meals at restaurants are a protein, vegetables, and one single starch

3.) No candy, cakes, or processed sweets

4.) All main meals are a protein and a vegetable and sometimes a starch

5.) The only food I can eat is what is written down for the day. I cannot deter from the plan.

I know it sounds a bit rigid, but at this point I think it may be the only thing I can do to gain control. Just as it says in the book, saying "just one bite won't hurt" is not working for me. AT ALL!!!! I can't control it unless I have hard and fast rules. So I am going to start tomorrow.

I can do this!!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Post Thanksgiving

Well I survived Thanksgiving. I did pretty well before and after. I'm just trying to get through the next few weeks without a big binge. I haven't been focusing on making the best decisions, just trying to not make a horrible one. Doing pretty well with that so far.

I have been reading an interesting book. "The end of overeating. Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite." By David A Kessler, MD. It's a very interesting book that discuss how the food industry manufactures food to make us want more and more. It's not blaming the food industry with the obesity rates in America, but it helps to explain why we feel sometimes that we have no control. In some cases the Sugar, fat, salt combinations in our food has as strong a pull on us as cocaine does for a drug addict.

I am still reading so I haven't made it to the "how to break the cycle" section. But it seems to be leading to what some of us know. We have to give up certain food or face continued binges. The thought of this makes me nervous. But what I have been doing hasn't been working. And one of the things OA teaches you is that you only have to focus on today. I can give something up for one day. Then I will work on the next day tomorrow.

I am heading out of town next week for work so it may be a few days again until another post.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Heading into the Holidays

So I am a bit worried about the next few weeks. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is chocked full of get togethers and times to eat. I have to remember to take it one day at a time and make sure I plan the day ahead of time as much as I can to prevent serious binges.

Today I went to lunch and a movie with a friend. We had a great time. I had a larger lunch, but now that it is 7:00 I am realizing that I am not hungry at all. I did buy a bag of salad at the grocery store today for dinner tonight. So if I get hungry at all I have that to munch on. But at this point I don't think I will need it. That is quite a change for me. And it feels great.

This is all a learning process and I know that if I take it one day at a time I can make the changes I want in life and begin to live free from my food obsession.

I want to do this!

Friday, November 20, 2009

All or Nothing

I wish in life that everything wasn't so all or nothing for me. If I know I have a lunch out with friends or co-workers and order something that may not be the best choice, instead of compensating for it, I just blow off the rest of the day. I end up eating more at my next meal. If I could just accept the fact that I didn't blow it, and that I could balance then I would be so much farther ahead.

Here are some things I can do to compensate for a meal out with friends -
1.) Exercise more that day.
2.) Choose light, filling meals with lots of vegetables for the other meals of the day.
3.) Be sure to really enjoy the meal with friends.
4.) Drink more water, especially at the meal.
5.) Take a longer walk with my dog that evening.
6.) Remember that one meal does not break my entire healthy life style.

This is one day at a time. All things can be evened out if the effort is made to do so. Nothing is all or nothing.

I will do this!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Feeling like crap

I needed to write this post as a reminder to myself how bad I feel after a binge night and after a night a carb overload. I went to bed last night with a horrible headache and woke up this morning with the same pounding in my head. I feel heavy, lethargic, in a fog, and listless. This is not how I want to feel and not how I need to feel to make my days productive. This is a horrible feeling. Nothing I ate last night was good enough to make what I feel now worthwhile. I just feel so horribly BLAH!!! I know that healthy eating prepares me for a day with energy and more focus. I need to remember that the next time the thought of eating a loaf of bread comes over me. It makes me feel like crap (physically and emotionally).

The worst part of carb overload is that it makes you want more and more. Your body craves it and you have to go back through withdrawal again. Refocusing is the key this week and weekend and making much better choices for my body and mind.

I can do this!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

On the wagon

I wish getting back on the wagon was as easy as falling off. I have been doing better the last few days, but not to where I should be. I should celebrate my small successes, I know, and not try to change everything for the next 50 years. So that is what I am going to do today to help me more tomorrow.

Today I was able to get in all the water that I needed to drink. I chose a lunch that wasn't horrible. I could have easily added more to it, but I decided against it and chose a healthier option. I had a light dinner since lunch was a little more than usual. I am listening to my body now and waiting to see if I am still hungry in the next 10 minutes.

These are things that I did well in regards to food. And I am proud of these small accomplishments. This whole journey is won by taking things one meal at a time and one day at a time. I know that in my head and just need to keep telling myself this and I will more and more know it in my heart.

Working my way back onto the wagon today and everyday.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Checking In

Back from girls weekend. I'm very relaxed and had a great time.

I am going into this week completely unprepared through and I am worried. I didn't make it to the grocery store so I am not going to have a lunch plan for tomorrow. I have eaten a bit too much tonight as well and am not feeling good.

When I come home from being out with friends or family I tend to have a binge session. I have never been able to figure that one out. I think that while I am out I put up my outside persona and become the person people want me to be. When I get home, I drop the front and realize that I am just me. I am flawed and not as happy as I lead people to believe.

As I write this I realize that knowing this is a weak time for me that I should find a different way to handle that situation. I have to be much more aware and not allow myself to fall into this pattern over and over again.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day on 2 fronts. As I mentioned before I am going in to the day without preparation. And it is time for me to get back on the wagon and stop the lapse that I have been on for a week and a half. Time to gain control and get back on plan.

I will get up in the morning and workout.
I will write down my food plan for the day and stick to it.
I will go to my nutritionist tomorrow.
I will make tomorrow the best day that I can make it.

Friday, November 13, 2009


So it is Friday night and the start of my hardest few days of the week in terms of my eating patterns. I think for most people they let down their guards over the weekend and eat a bit more liberally than they would during the week. I am no different. This is where the good I may have done during the week melts away into constant grazing and possible binges.

I think for me my issue with the weekends has many different sides to it. There is less structure on the weekend then during the week when I am running from meeting to meeting at work and have less time to think about food.

I also find that weekends are lonelier. At this point in my life I am not dating anybody. So that weighs heavier on me during the weekends. I want to be out dating and finding someone to share my life, but I don't feel comfortable enough in my skin to make the move to work on that.

This weekend should be OK. I am heading out of town with my college roommates. We are going to go to a spa and relax. I am really looking forward to that. I know I won't be bingeing while I am there, but I will be drinking. That does tend to lead to binges once I am home. I also have issues with being out with friends and then coming back home. I am not sure why that makes me so uncomfortable and why it leads to overeating. I will have to address that in another blog.

But for now I am looking forward to the weekend and am trying to not binge before or after the girls weekend. I can do it!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Getting Started

This is truely my first blog ever. I just recently started reading people's blogs and started to see how theraputic they are to the people writing them. I decided to give this a try myself as a way to start writing out my thoughts and feelings as I would through my compulsive eating disorder.

I am a compulsive overeater.

I have tried all kinds of diets that have worked for awhile, but not long term. I also went to Overeaters Annonymous (OA) for a short period of time. I think it is a great organization, but I wasn't ready to commit to it at the time. As with anything, the timing needs to be right. I have other issues to work through and talk about before I think OA will work for me.

I am very unhappy at this point in my life and have been turning to food more and more as a way to get rid of the sad feelings. But as I do this I become more and more unhappy. It is a vicious cycle that I am in at this point in my life. I hate that food has taken over such my of time and effort. I do not want to be in a relationship with food. I want to have human relationships, but things have been spiraling out of control.

My hope with this blog is that I now have a channel to funnel some of these feelings. A way to release them instead of stuffing them down with more food.

I start this blogwith selfish reasons, but I also hope at some point that my thoughts and feelings may just help someone else.