I have a really good life. I really do. I have a job that I get a lot of enjoyment out of. It does stress me out and keep me from sleep some nights, but I feel a sense of accomplishment there. And I feel that I am appreciated there. All good things.
I have a great home. I have a houseful of animals that I love dearly. I get out with Roxie every day for long walks. I have Nellie curled up next to me as I write this post. My animals are so super sweet and I can't imagine life without them.
I have a group of good friends. I don't get to see them as much as I would like. We are all pretty busy. Most of my girlfriends are moms now and have a lot of activities with their kids that keep them very busy.
All good things, right?
So why do I feel the overwhelming need and desire every night to fall face first into a large pizza, or chocolate, or cake or McDonald's? Why do I drive home with only thoughts of what I can eat that night and get such excitement out of it?
I have been thinking a lot about this. It's like I have a good life that is made up of routines, obligations, and things I have to do. I don't have much in my life that I LOVE to do. Or things that I look forward to every day. The one thing I do have is food!!
I look forward to eating food. I love tasting food. I love the smell of food. I love the abundance, the variety, the fact that I can get it any time.
I think that would be really fine if I could eat and enjoy the food in moderation without taking things to extremes. But there are times when I start eating that there is just no stopping.
So as I work towards getting my eating under control I have to figure out what to replace food with. What do I find that gives me that much enjoyment every day? What do I find in life that is stronger than food? What can I have in my life that isn't something I do because I have to do it, but something I do because I want to do it? I don't think I can fully remove my obsessive food eating until I can find a replacement for it. I feel so deprived when I go days without eating with abandon.
That is the mission. What is my passion?